Sunday, May 17, 2015

parenting: i think i can i think i can

Today I failed spectacularly.
You guys this parenting thing is no joke. 
It's hard. It's amazing. 
And it's all consuming at times. 
It requires me to daily die to myself and put the joy of serving others first. 
It continually humbles me.
It brings me great joy and deep anguish.
It is sweaty, teeth gritting work and big deep belly laughs. 
It is an island.
It leaves me with more questions than answers and lots of tears.
It's kissing boo boos and adventuring.
It makes my heart feel like it's going to explode and it allows doubts to creep in daily.
It is a soul searching, book reading journey. 
It never ends and it constantly changes. 
It will change you and it will change others. 
It's a chance to raise the next generation. 
It's a way to honor the Lord. 
It continually humbles me.
Today during a highly dramatic, snotty nosed, red eyed prayer sess with the Lord I hashed out all my problems.
 All my concerns. 
All my sins. 
I felt so angry at God today.
Because you know I knew I was trying really hard.

I knew I was giving this parenting gig a lot. 
I knew that it should be going a bit smoother.
I felt so mad that it wasn't.
I knew I should be keeping my cool. 
And it wasn't like I wasn't trying. 
Didn't the tension in my neck matter to Him?
Didn't He see how hard I was trying?
Didn't He know that I didn't feel loving?
WHY did I have to show love when I didn't want to?
And then I heard a gentle reminder:
 Because He did.
And because it's not about me.
Because it's not about how I feel. 
It's not about showing love when I feel like it. 

It's about submitting to God's will.
It's about showing HIS love, not mine. 
I've been thinking this as my mantra lately

But here's the thing: I can't do hard things. I can however, do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 
I can't do it, and I don't always want to do it. 
And praise God...I don't have to do it on my own. 
I have to submit to Him. 
I have to show His Love. Because He is love. 
He has placed me here to show love, mercy and grace to the moments when they least deserve it. 

I'm not going to pretend like it was all pretty after I picked myself out of that prayer time, but I will tell you this.
My heart changed in a way that only Jesus can do. 
It became focused on loving the unlovable.
On showing them God's love ESPECIALLY when it wasn't pretty or sweet or loving.
The Holy Spirit placed these words on my heart years ago "I will show them God's love." when I was battling a nightmarish bedtime routine daily.
 He showed me then that it wasn't about me. 
That I was being called not to showe them with my love, but with His. 
 And somewhere along the way I'd forgotten that.
Somewhere along the way I thought that if I just muscled my way through all the crap it'd be good in the end. 
But the truth is, with Jesus it can be good in even  the deepest crap. 

1 comment:

  1. I think your last sentence is a great summation of how it all works out-----so blessed to have you for my daughter, Sarah. Know that your words bless and encourage me always. I love you!


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