Tuesday, January 1, 2013

all i have is yours...including my marriage

the new year is full of...possibility. but before i can grasp that possibility, i have to find closure.
this past year is being resolved in my mind and stored in my heart. i feel compelled to glean lessons before moving forward
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::i have a lot to learn from 2012::

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I spend a lot of time here talking about my kiddos, and not as much about D. Part of it is too personal, too close to my heart. The truth is, he is my heart. When I try to talk about him or us, I almost always walk away feeling like I didn't do the relationship justice.
It's like trying to paint a picture well beyond your skill level. Knowing in your heart and not being about to translate it to others.
....................................

2012 was hard for D and I
not all of it, but the parts that were hard were really, really hard
a couple stepped into the muck with us and pointed us to Jesus
without their service, their love for Jesus, challenging us in our relationship with Jesus...
we'd be lost

at one point during all this, i wrestled with the idea of what exactly does "putting my hope in God" mean?

a week into wondering, it hit me. it means actually putting my hope in him.

2 Cor. 12:9
i spent so much of 2012 trying to muscle my way through the good, the mundane, and the bad.
my hope was that if i tried hard enough eventually i'd find success.
sometimes i did. and man it felt good. i felt like all things good in my life were happening when i was able to keep all of the balls i juggle up in the air at once.
i might be wearing myself ragged, but i was doing it!
i was too busy trying to love or hope.
it was all about me.
it also felt like when things went wrong- which they did- it was all my fault and all about me.

and the truth is, it's not all about me.

it took what felt like a literal leap of faith towards Jesus and away from self to see the forest for the trees.
i'm hear to say that Jesus has provided everything D and i need, needed, and will need in our marriage.

do i still find myself muscling my way through a day every now and then. putting all of the success and/or failure of life on my every move? sure. because i'm a sinner in need of a savior.

the good news, the gospel of jesus christ is that he has provided a way when there seems to be no way. and that my dear friends is something i will put my hope in.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

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